I've Always Wanted a Daughter.

I've always dreamed of becoming a mother, especially having a daughter as my first child.

Growing up as an only child, I often longed for the company of siblings. My weekends were mostly spent at a friend's house, and I eagerly looked forward to summer vacations at my grandmother's ranch in Utah, where I could be with my cousins. Dinner at home was often a solitary affair, wolfed in front of the TV, with little conversation.

My mom did a fantastic job at dressing me, lol.

I vividly remember repeatedly asking my mom for a little sister.

I yearned for a companion to share stories with, practice my French braiding skills on, and teach the importance of confidence and independence as fundamental aspects of a woman’s personal agency. I imagined imparting knowledge and experiences to this imaginary sister, who I envisioned as a mini-version of myself. However, this remained a fantasy, as my father had a vasectomy after I was born. After hearing 'no' from my parents for the tenth time, I reluctantly accepted that this dream would not become a reality.

But this fantasy, like many unfulfilled desires, persisted into my adulthood. When Reyce and I started considering expanding our family, it felt natural for me to revisit this dream. Reyce, surrounded by his brothers, male cousins, and now two nephews, also strongly desired a father-daughter relationship.

My yearning for a daughter goes beyond the superficial joys of nail dates, cute dresses, and talks about crushes. It's a deep feeling that's hard to express in just one blog post. I'm keenly aware of the complexities that can mark a mother-daughter relationship. My relationship with my mom wasn't incredibly close growing up. Diving into the detailed reasons for our past strains, which involved my mental health struggles and religious trauma, is more than I can cover here.

But, as I've matured and gained better control over my emotions, I've come to empathize with my mom and appreciate that she did her best. My respect for her has grown immensely; she's taught me a lot and loves me more than anyone else. And I love her a lot, too.

Like all valuable experiences in life, nothing is straightforward.

Little me.

While I don’t necessarily wish to replicate these experiences with my kids, the universe signals that my time has finally come. 

Considering my past mental health challenges and my devotion to adventure, travel, and career growth — I frankly don't believe I would have been the best mother if I had become pregnant earlier. Similarly, I don't think it would have been too advantageous to add another sibling to the family I grew up in; in retrospect, my parents made the right decision. 

I'm not entirely convinced by the notion that "everything happens for a reason," but I believe in learning to accept what can't be changed and trusting in one's timing.

I fantasize about teaching her how to grow the perfect cherry tomatoes or the value of hard work in school — not because society dictates it, but because a healthy mind leads to a healthy life. I can already see her getting dirty in the mud baths on a family camping trip and correcting me on my grammar. No matter what she does or who she ends up being, it'll be perfect.

I already love her so much. I hope she knows that.

Left: Shannon Lujan | Right: Bee Johnson

Mother-Daughter Movies:

A list of recommended movies that have come to hold a more special meaning now that this livelihood is a reality.

• Ladybird: Too real.

• Barbie: Iconic of me to have conceived a girl during Barbie's summer.

• Uptown Girls: Brittany Murphey's swan song.

• Mama Mia: Need I say more?

• Freaky Friday: The rehearsal dinner speech still gets me in tears.

• Little Women: Womanhood looks different for everyone, and that should be celebrated.

• Princess Diaries: Let's remember how vital grandmas are to this equation.

• Parent Trap: Elizabeth James' class, but Meredith Blake's style.

• Beverly Hills Troop: My mom and I always watched this classic.

• Anywhere But Here: Nostalgia at its finest.

• Then & Now: Girlhood at its finest.

And here's a fantastic "girlhood movie" list I found on Letterbox by a user, Yazz!, whom I wholeheartedly agree with.

And a TikTok that means more to me now than it did when I first saw the trend.

Sophia Coppola coded, of course.